Thoughts on Sundays

For some people, Sunday is a day of worship and rest. For some, it’s a day to get things done around the house or binge watch their favorite show while sipping coffee. For me, it’s been a bit of everything.

I went to the same church for most of my life. I made some of my closest friends at that church. Sundays always looked the same, especially in high school. Get up, go to church, go home, do homework, go to youth group etc. Even my first year of college looked liked that (huge, super grateful shout-out to Logan M. for letting me hang with the high school youth group another year. I truly needed that). And then things changed toward the end of my freshman year of college.

There were some changes in the church. I won’t go into detail, but I felt like the church was going in some strange direction that I wasn’t meant to be apart of. I don’t know if this direction is good or bad, but something was pushing me to get out. That and the fact that I was the only college student in the congregation 90% of the time, so I was in a completely different season of life from basically everyone.

Since May, I have been attending different churches and I think I have it narrowed down to two. Both are much bigger than the church I grew up in. That kind of scares me. The leadership of both churches seems to be very genuine. Both congregations are as outwardly focused (local and global outreach) as they are inwardly focused (Ex. what is Christ doing in my life). For those who don’t know, I consider myself a global citizen, so you can see how I would fall in love with this kind of teaching balance in a church. However, one congregation gives off some clique-like vibes and the other is so big, I’m worried about finding a group of people who I can connect with. Maybe I’m being too picky.

I haven’t been to church in a few weeks. I stayed home to clean, I had to take my sister shopping etc. Yesterday, I got back on my yoga mat. It had been too long. I turned on a worship playlist and found myself working towards new spaces (I gave back bends a shot. Lots of work to do there). I always end a yoga session with breathing meditation, which I have found helps my singing A LOT. Then I had a little devotion time. I keep finding myself in the book of Psalms. Some prayer, some journaling. By the time I rolled up my mat, I felt a new focus coming over me. I felt more alert and more willing to tackle the homework in front of me.

The point is, sometimes church needs to look a little different. I’ve pushed myself miles from my comfort zone just by attending churches full of strangers. I love to worship in a community, whether I know the people or not. But sometimes I need church to be me on a yoga mat, Hillsong playing softly in the background, breathing deeply and just being. Sometimes I need to let every thought, every emotion just float away and bring myself into a place where I can hear God without distraction.

What does church look like for you? Do you need a solitary Sunday? Feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments.

End of thought.

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Thoughts on Year Twenty

I have been 20 for a month. A month before I turned 20, I decided that I was going to start this new decade with a plan. I was going to relax more, exercise more, and slowly figure out where my life is going. Oh sweet, naive, 19 year old Emily. If only you knew…

I had my birthday weekend all planned. Except it didn’t go as planned. The Friday before my birthday, I ran to the store after work to get cat food. As I was backing out of my parking space in the crowded lot, a woman zipped up behind me and I T-boned her car. Fortunately, the paint was just scratched on both cars. Unfortunately, some people are scum bags who will try anything to get more money out of you. My life became hell for 2 weeks. The situation has been resolved, but the moral of the story is DON’T TRUST PEOPLE IN FENDER BENDERS.

The rest of the month, one major thing went wrong every single day. I messed stuff up at work. I continued to battle dizzy spells (those seem to have gone away. Probably should’ve gone to the doctor. Too late now). I had customers scream at me for things out of my control. I forgot about homework assignments/exams. My eye twitch came back one weekend (most folks don’t know that I have a twitch that resurfaces every so often. It’s probably psychological). It became more and more frequent for me to walk into a room, looking for something, and then not be able to remember what that something was.

And then guess what happened today? I GOT REAR ENDED ON MY WAY TO CLASS. I’m fine, the other driver is fine, our cars are not fine. Most of the morning I considered giving up driving. I went almost 4 years with a spotless driving record. In one month I’ve been in two accidents. Is this bad karma? Am I cursed?

Year 20 is not being kind to me. I don’t work out. I spend most of my time wanting to cry and not being able to. And I’ve been seriously considering immigrating to Iceland. I had a dream that I moved to Iceland and it’s starting to sound like a good idea.

But through this month of insanity, I’ve been constantly reminded that God has blessed me with the most amazing friends. When my life feels like it’s too much, they’re there with coffee, food, and hearty laughs. Currently one of them is working overtime to get me to take more chances and it’s kind of working, so that’s probably been the highlight of the month. In all seriousness, these people are amazing and I love them. Year 20 may be turning into a crap-fest, but they keep bringing me moments of sunshine.

So this is 20. Crazy, stressful, not-going-as-anticipated 20. It looks like I need to re-work my plan.

End of thought.

Thoughts on Solo Adventures

I used to think that it was lame to go to the movies by yourself. Turns out, it’s not. Actually, I kind of like going to the movies by myself. Note: I never go to a superhero movie without a friend. Those movies should always be a shared experience.

I saw La La Land alone. I decided that I was treating myself to a “me date.” That’s right, I date myself. I go do things that I enjoy and treat myself to little exploits. I saw Independence Day: Resurgence by myself. On Independence Day. And I enjoyed that movie, thank you very much (I have crush on Jeff Goldblum, don’t judge me. The man ages better than fine wine). The thing about going to the movies by yourself is that you can focus solely on the movie. You don’t have to worry about sharing popcorn or wonder if you’re hogging the arm rest. There’s nothing wrong with going to the movies with other people. I do it quite often. Sometimes a person just needs to be alone.

A few weekends ago, I decided to go to the Big River Steampunk Festival in Hannibal, Missouri. Some of my friends were supposed to come along, but things came up and that idea fell through. I was in a debate about whether or not I should go. At this point, the weekend had been very stressful (btw, it was only Friday night). Part of me wanted to stay home and mope (my birthday weekend was slowing turning into crap before my eyes) and another part wanted to go to the festival alone (after all, it was MY birthday weekend, I can do whatever I want). Long story short, I went to the festival and had an amazing time.

My point? I could’ve easily stayed home and moped. I could’ve binged watched Friends and eaten way too many pumpkin seed chips. But I didn’t. I chose to go to an event I had never been to, surround by strangers. I had no idea what it would be like. I opened my mind to the possibilities and discovered that this trip was exactly what I needed. I needed a solo adventure.

Spending time with people is important. It’s also important to take time for yourself. Go do something you enjoy. Do it alone. Just you and the experience. Open your mind to the possibilities and let the chips fall where they may. Adventure is what you make it. Maybe it’s going to the movies alone. Maybe it’s exploring your city solo. Maybe it’s something bigger, like taking a weekend trip alone. Or a week long trip.

I’m ever-so-slowly saving money to take myself on vacation. I’m thinking 3-4 days in Traverse City, Michigan (Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes looks cool) or Canton, Ohio (where my favorite band, Relient K, is from. Plus it looks like a really cool town). That’s my plan for next year. The following year, I’m thinking Canada. Please suggest some destinations.

Take yourself on a solo adventure. It just might be good for your soul.

End of thought.

Thoughts on Ignorance Pt. 3

This is the final part in my series on ignorance. If you haven’t read the first two parts, please do so. And as always, feel free to continue the discussion in the comments. 

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IGNORANCE?

For starters, you can read the previous blog post and apply some of my personal ideas to your own life. You can also:

1.) Fact check. Snopes is great at providing real, accurate information that either supports or refutes statements made by public figures and articles that are making the viral rounds.

2.) Check your sources. Fox News serves the conservative agenda and CNN the liberal agenda. Are they still providing real news stories? Typically. But they are written in a way that meets their endgame. The Wall Street Journal, Bloomberg, and USA TODAY tend to be more neutral sources. If you are specifically wanting liberal journalism, The New Yorker is one of my personal favorites. It’s one of the most eloquent news sources available in the U.S. If you’re looking for conservative commentary, Rush Limbaugh is probably your guy.

3.) Educate Thy Self. Go meet people of other colors, religions, sexualities etc. Ask them (respectful) questions. People who are different from you aren’t so scary once you start talking TO them instead of at them. But if you’re not to that point yet, there are other things that you can do.

Read: ‘If Nuns Ruled the World: Ten Sisters on a Mission’, by Jo Piazza. Learn the stories of ten nuns who are out to reshape the world by reshaping the church. This is a two-for-one: educate yourself on the Catholic church and learn about different issues prevalent in our society.

Visit: Southern Poverty Law Center https://www.splcenter.org/ Not sure what a hate group is? This is the site for you. Learn about different hate groups active in the U.S. and what is being done to combat hate.

Watch: vlogbrothers https://www.youtube.com/user/vlogbrothers/featured Brothers John and Hank Green make weekly videos addressing…well, everything. They use YouTube as a platform for education and do a darn good job of it. The first link is to their YouTube page, the second link will be for a video that Hank did about gun sales and the environment (which I found fascinating).  https://www.youtube.com/user/vlogbrothers/videos

There are also countless other books that address the issues we see around us and there are plenty of documentaries out there, too. Don’t let yourself become a victim of ignorance. Educate yourself, educate others. Recognize that we are all human. Love is bigger than hate.

And that, friends, is the end of this thought.

Thoughts on Ignorance Pt. 2

This is part 2 in a small series that I’m doing on ignorance. If you didn’t catch the original post, I encourage you to read that first. And as always, feel free to comment below in order to continue and deepen the conversation. 

WHAT AM I DOING ABOUT IGNORANCE? 

You shouldn’t talk the talk if you don’t plan on walking the walk. Guys, I’m not perfect. Some days I feel like ignorance is bliss and I want to ignore what’s going on in the world. But that’s not what’s right.

I want to make it my goal to explain people living in ignorance the other sides to these events the best that I can, or to point them to resources that can explain it. I try to avoid logic fallacies. They discredit you and the things you stand for. I try to be open to all points of view. I believe that if I genuinely listen to someone I disagree with, they will genuinely listen to me. Listening is the first step in everything. No agreement was ever reached by tuning out the other side.

Unfortunately, there are people who have believed their ignorance for so long, it’s almost impossible to pull them out of it. Their ignorance is rooted deep in their lives and will not go easily, if it can be destroyed at all. But the biggest thing I can do not allow ignorance to take root in my kids.

If you know me, you know that I don’t want kids. However, after much discussion with different individuals throughout the summer, I have accepted the fact that that will probably change. I want my kids to grow up knowing that everyone is somehow important. There is no superior race, no superior gender. I want them to ask questions when they don’t understand. If they don’t ask questions, they will never understand, and ignorance will take root. I don’t want that. I want them to be able to have constructive conversations about opposing view points.

I want my sons to understand that women are not possessions or sex objects. I don’t want my daughters worrying that a visible bra strap is an invitation for sex. I don’t want my kids living lives determined by the social norms of the 1950’s.

My kids will not live lives rooted in ignorance.

Not end of thought.

One more blog post is coming. I promise.

Thoughts on Ignorance Pt. 1

I’m a Midwestern girl. I’m from a middle class family in a predominantly white area. And while I wasn’t directly raised under racist tonalities, I was raised indirectly in them.

There’s probably a better way to word the previous sentence, but I don’t know how. I was raised to believe that racial slurs were ok to use in our modern context because “people are too soft and need to get over it.” I was taught that Martin Luther King Jr. was a communist (btw, that’s a debunked conspiracy theory). I was raised to believe that those on well-fare were lazy bums sucking money from hard working people. And while that previous statement may have some validity in some communities in some parts of the country, it doesn’t apply to every single person on well-fare. I was raised under the idea that it is ok to dehumanize anyone who isn’t like me.

Example: This morning one of my family member’s was reading a news article about a group of people recently caught illegally crossing the border. He paraphrased the article for everyone else in the house. What I noticed was that he never said the word “people.” He called them “illegals.” And it hit me. I have heard this person call Hispanics and Latinos “illegals”, Muslims “terrorists”, African Americans “n****rs”, gays “fags”, and lesbians “dykes”. I’ve never heard him call them “people.” Not once. And I realized it wasn’t just this one family member. It’s many people I know, people that I grew up around.

We continue to use slurs of all kinds because it dehumanizes those that we don’t bother to understand. We don’t want to invest time and effort in others. We don’t want to learn. We want to remain ignorant. We’re the lazy ones. We want all of our information and knowledge to come from people who look/act like us. We would rather let Fox News explain Muslim beliefs than ask an actual practicing Muslim. We are comfortable in our ignorance.

Our ignorance lets us believe that we should dehumanize others in order to protect ourselves. It’s ignorance that allows us to say that “people are too soft” instead of actually addressing the issue. It’s ignorance that allows people to say that the events in Charlottesville “were a set up created by liberals to make Trump look bad” (yeah, I heard those words come out of a person’s mouth last week).

My parents didn’t mean to raise me in and around a racist dialect. They were raised here and my grandparents were raised here etc. and that’s kind of how the middle of the Midwest is. We say we aren’t racist, but many of us are. We think it’s ok because that’s how we were raised. But the buck has stop somewhere.

What I’m saying is:

Dear Midwest,

This is not ok. Let’s address the issues and fix them. Please.

 

Not the end of thought.

This is the first part in a small series that I’m doing on ignorance. The other parts will be published throughout the week. If you want to continue the conversation or have questions, please comment them below or contact me. Nothing was ever accomplished by avoiding conversation.

Thoughts on My Life at This Moment

I honestly cannot remember the last time I wrote a post. I don’t remember the last time I set aside time to work on something not work or school related, if I’m being honest. Let me explain what kind of hurricane I’ve been living for the past two months.

June: I start working six days a week. I also start summer classes. Middle of June, on a Thursday afternoon, I drive myself north of Chicago (yay adult moment!) to spend a weekend with one of my favorite people. We do the tourist-y things and have some deep talks. Like, deep. We also go to a Hillsong concert and I decide that I’m attending the Justice Conference* next year. I promptly return home Sunday afternoon just to re-pack like a crazy lady so I can work at a church for a week. Note, I spend that week commuting between work and camp, which is over an hour drive. And these kids (yay, 7th-9th graders!) are a bit…hyper. Like, I’m just spending evenings with them and they are wearing me out. I cannot imagine what the other staff are experiencing all day long. The next week is my vacation week AKA take a week off of work to be at the 5th-6th grade week of camp (my favorite age group, just sayin’…). The following week I go back to my usual work-and-school routine.

July: Two weeks of work, school, and not much else. Then a return trip to camp to be “assistant to the dorm mom” for the second group of 7th-9th graders. I am, again, commuting between the camp and work. That week I am stressed, blessed, and coffee obsessed. But I wouldn’t trade a moment with those kids for anything, even if they almost outnumbered the staff 10:1. The following week I return to my world of work and school. I wrap up my summer classes, get A’s in both, and decide to never take another summer class again. My family and I take off to Saint Joseph, Missouri for a weekend. I love the things we go and do, but I kind of want to ditch my family the entire time (I don’t like travelling with them). Turns out, Missouri Western State University** is kind of cool. My dad really wants me to go there. I also finally tell my mom that I’m thinking about signing up for Mission Year*** after community college. I’m not sure how she feels about that.

August: We get back from our mini-vacay. I go back to work. It is the most stressful week I’ve had since I started this job five months ago. I go home to eat chips and watch a lot of Criminal Minds and Law and Order. Because that is what makes me happy. I go out to dinner on Friday with a friend that I haven’t seen all summer and we get to catch up.

That brings me to today. I drove to friend’s house to pick her up for a farmer’s market, but the plans changed. Instead, we lounged around on her sofa, watching the U.K. version of The Office and playing with her super cute Dachshund puppy. Normally a change of plans freaks me out, put this week has been so stressful. I am exhausted, both mentally and physically. At this point, Kujo could jump out from behind the couch and eat me and I probably wouldn’t freak out.

This upcoming week brings me hope. I have TWO days off. I’m spending one day with a friend who is getting ready to move away, which that idea is just now sinking in. The second day I hope to do an insanely deep clean of room, because it desperately needs it. I’m going to finish the book that I have been reading ALL SUMMER. It’s not even that long of a book. I just have no time to read any more. I’m also going to fill out my new Passion Planner****, which I am super excited about. I am a disorganized person who keeps every aspect of her life stored in her phone. Time to get that on paper. It’s also time to start figuring out my life.

When I was in high school, I often said no to certain things because I had to work. And while I in no way wanted to shun my work duties, I didn’t take full advantage of being high school or being a teenager. A friend of mine kept telling me that there would be time to work when I’m older, enjoy my life. I didn’t listen. I’m going to be 20 in less than a month. I will no longer be a teenager. I didn’t take advantage of that time. I spend so much time working that I don’t take care of myself. I can’t change what my past has been like. But I want to change my future. I want to take better can of myself. I want to find balance between work, school, and the rest of my life. I want to figure out what I was meant to do. The goal for the next few weeks is to lay the foundation for a new chapter in my life. I don’t plan to go into my twenties with everything figured out. But I want to go in with a plan.

I want to take a second to thank everyone who has been apart of the happy moments in my summer. Kayla and Kenzie, for letting me relish in my Chicago tourist phase. Emily, Liberty, Hannah, Bethany, Kim, and others for being my camp girls, my friends, and providing some much needed laughs (and for saving me delicious camp food when I had to rush off to work). Maddie, for being the best camp intern/nurse/dorm mom ever, and for being my confidant through those three weeks of camp. Cole and Christian, for being awesome male interns and always being ready to give me hug after a long day at work. Lexi, for letting indulge my inner six year old at the zoo. And to all the friends that I didn’t get to see but have texted constantly because why not? This has not been the best summer ever. But it has been one of reflecting, learning, and growing. I’m excited to see what the future holds. Hopefully more time to blog, haha.

Basically, thanks everyone, for everything.

End of thought.

WHAT’S THAT??? BEHOLD THE LINKS!!!

*https://www.thejusticeconference.com/

**https://www.missouriwestern.edu/

***https://missionyear.org/

****http://www.passionplanner.com/

Thoughts on Summer Reading

Yes, I know that it’s almost July. But summer isn’t over yet! If you’re just getting ready to head out on vacation or if you’ve already finished your stack of summer books, I’ve got a list for you. Some of my favorite books, perfect all year long, yet somehow more enticing in the summer. So in no particular order…

1.) The Tuesday Club Murders by Agatha Christie

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Honestly, any Agatha Christie novel is perfect. But this one is a bit different. ‘The Tuesday Club Murders’ is a collection of short stories that centers around Christie’s famous amateur detective and master knitter, Miss Marple. The general premise of the book is that Miss Marple attends two parties, listens to tales of murder as told by other guests, and deduces who the killer was. To some this might sound boring, however, there is nothing quite like reading about how a little, old woman solves some of the toughest murders Scotland Yard has ever seen.

2.) Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore by Robin Sloan

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This is my favorite book! I read it last summer and could not put it down. It’s the story of Clay, a tech-savvy young man who finds himself unemployed in San Francisco. Until he gets a job at the above-mentioned bookstore. But this isn’t your ordinary bookstore. No one buys anything. They simply borrow some very ancient-looking books. Clay’s curiosity gets the better of him and he decides to uncover the secrets of the bookstore and the ever-mysterious Mr. Penumbra. He finds himself using his computer skills (and the resources of the world’s largest search engine) to solve one of the world’s oldest and greatest mysterious. This is a must-read, for fans of virtually very genre!

3.) Infinite Tuesday by Michael Nesmith

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I seriously doubt that you’ve heard of Michael “Mike” Nesmith. There’s a slightly larger chance that you’ve heard of The Monkees, the 60’s group that launched his career. But there’s a big chance you’ve heard their song “I’m a Believer.” ‘Infinite Tuesday’ is Nesmith’s version of an autobiography. When I say “version”, I mean that it is unlike anything I have ever read. It’s hardly in chronological order. In fact, each chapter may span years at a time, but the events that happened are connected. Nesmith discusses his rather humble musical beginnings and spends a small amount of time on his career as a Monkee. This is the story of a man who is determined to tell the world that he did more than just play lead guitar in the “Pre-fab Four”, America’s successful knock-off of the Beatles. Through every chapter, he remains humble and apologetic, trying to insure that everyone involved in his projects gets credit and making note of when fame blinded him. This is the perfect book for lovers of 60’s music, musicians, dreamers, or anyone who wonders how MTV came to be (you can thank Michael Nesmith for that and the creation of the modern music video).

4.) Two-way Street by Lauren Barnholdt

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One word: DRAMA! A total teenager book that connects with anyone over the age of 16. Jordan and Courtney are an unlikely high school couple, but yet they’re perfect together. Until Jordan breaks up with her. Unfortunately, the two are going to the same college and planned to road trip to orientation together. It’s too late to change plans. A long the way, secrets are revealed and maybe, just maybe, this teenage romance can be saved. Told from both Jordan and Courtney’s points of view, this novel is a unique and worth-while reading experience.

5.) The Rise and Fall of a Theater Geek by Seth Rudetsky

Image result for the rise and fall of a theater geek

As a theater geek myself, this book really calls out to me. Follow high school student Justin as he tries to learn the ins and outs of Broadway life during a summer internship under a hot-shot TV-star-turned-Broadway-baby. This is a more simple read, with lots of laughs, theater, and reminders of what it’s like to be an awkward teenager and that internships aren’t always what they’re cracked up to be. Perfect for a weekend binge-read or for a few days on the beach.

And that’s it! My little list of summer reads. Let me know if you plan to read one of these, or share with me what you’re currently reading!

End of thought.

 

 

Thoughts on Being a Hypocrite

Let’s be real. We’ve all been hypocritical. I believe in equality for all and not falling for stereotypes. Yet sometimes I act like I’m better than others or base my choices on stereotypes (I did that a few weeks ago and got called out on it). I do these things and then I realize that they make me a hypocrite. If I truly believe what I say I believe, then I should try not to do the opposite. I should try to be a better person than I was yesterday.

But growing up in the Midwest has exposed me to an interesting set of hypocrites. Before I get too deep into this, I want you to know that this doesn’t go for every single person in the Midwest. To say that would be a stereotype. This applies to certain people that can probably be found around the world, but I happened to have observed it in the Midwest.

From my personal observation, these people claim to be Christian. As in followers of Christ. As in the guy who said “love your neighbor as yourself.” These people are willing to help others, but with some stipulations. They’ll help people. But these people need to be straight. And they have to be Christian. And a Republican. And not be welfare. And they have to be legal citizens. And it’s typically preferred that they be white. Then, apparently, they can be helped. But if it’s going to cost money, count these “Christians” out. Tell me if I’m wrong, but I don’t remember there being qualifications for Jesus’ definition of “neighbor.”

I know I can be a hypocrite. I recognize that. But don’t call me a “communist fag” because I care more about human beings than money. Don’t call yourself a Christian and then ignore people in need just because they don’t live up to your standards. From my view, as a Christian, God loves you no more than he loves the Muslim couple living down the street or the gay guy that you see in your office building. And He loves all of us. Whether we’re gay or straight, Muslim or Christian, white or black, we are all his children. And whether we know it or not, He loves us. No human can decide that.

Love others. And when I say others, I mean everyone. If you don’t believe that, I want to hear why. Because I don’t understand the logic of the opposition. Why can’t we just love?

End of thought.

Thoughts on Me…

I haven’t written for a while. And that’s probably because a lot of my thoughts lately have been about either specific individuals in my life (and they were not thoughts for the blog) or about myself (because I’m a narcissist). However, I developed the sudden urge to give you, reader, a peek into a different part of my mind. The part that I call the Me Center.

A few things. I’m a full-time music student and a part-time bank teller. I live at home (yay rent-free living space). I am the only liberal in a conservative family and probably one of the few liberals in the area (this is the Midwest, after all). I don’t call myself a Democrat because I don’t believe in a strictly two-party system and I hate that my state makes you pick a Republican or Democrat ballot in the primaries. I am neither and therefore do not want to vote straight-party. I also believe that I should dictate where my federal tax dollars go, specifically to PBS and the National Endowment for the Arts. I also feel that Illinois politicians need to stop getting pay checks so we can fund things that are kind of important, like SCHOOLS. This is getting really political. I’ll switch subjects.

I love coffee. I wrote a whole post about it. I actually spent three hours writing a paper in Free Press tonight. It was great. Relaxed atmosphere. Amazing food. Best honey vanilla lattes ever.

I love music, in case you couldn’t tell by my major. I sing, play French Horn and play, like, four chords on the piano. I’m also convinced that I could fake it till I make it on the trumpet. Don’t ask why. I have a recital in a week. I am not prepared for it. I also have a choir concert in a week. I’m not prepared for that either. Oops.

I could easily walk around downtown Springfield all day. I love architecture. I take pictures of random buildings and my friends probably think I’m nuts because of it. It’s just a thing that makes me happy. I love the city. I love buildings and busy streets and people. I don’t necessarily like interacting with people. But I like watching them walk past and I wonder what’s happening in their heads, where they’re coming from, where they’re going. Don’t get me wrong, I love open spaces and forests and rivers and nature stuff. But there’s just something about the city. It makes me feel like I’m home.

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I keep changing my mind. I think part of it is because there’s a lot of change going on in my life right now. Some of it was anticipated, some of it blindsided me a bit. One of my biggest struggles lately has been accepting these changes for what they are. I don’t like not having control of situations. I also have a really hard time saying goodbye. I’ve actually stopped saying that word all together. ‘Goodbye’ sounds so permanent. I hate the idea of not seeing someone again. Especially if it’s someone I love. ‘See ya later’ is a common phrase for me. I’m also working on saying ‘I love you’ more, especially to my friends. Because I do love them. And they probably know it. But I feel like these words need to be said aloud. I don’t know why.

I need to start working out more. Specifically, doing yoga more. In my yoga practice, I’ve found a new connection with God. It’s a unique time. I’m able to release the tension in both my body and my soul. I’ve stopped doing yoga in the past month or so because I’ve been busy. And I have been busy. But I’ve also had opportunities to get back into my practice and I didn’t take them. And I’m disappointed in myself. This weekend I’m hoping to both purge my room of unneeded items and de-clutter my soul through yoga.

I think that’s everything. Those have been some of my main thoughts lately. Oh, and I can’t decide if I want a tattoo or not. I want one, but I have no tolerance for pain. I’m so indecisive.

Thanks for tolerating my narcissism. If anyone has some advice/thoughts for me, please leave comment. I’d love to hear from you!

End of thought.